Archive for December, 2006

Gerald Ford Dies: The Pre-Tapes

Back in 1996, Dana Carvey prepared for the unthinkable… the death of Gerald Ford, by wolves, commuter planes, and suicide. But now that Gerald Ford is dead, is it still funny?

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This was only aired once on Saturday Night Live, on all subsequent episodes of SNL this short was censored,

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While working on my writeup for the Top 5 Songs for 2046 Classic Rock I found out that Midlake has videos for every song on their album! Let me know if I missed any!

Pt. 1 – Head Home

Pt. 2 – We Gathered in Spring

Pt. 3 – Van Occupanther

Pt. 4 – Bandits

Pt. 5 – Balloon Maker

Pt. 6 – He Tried to Escape

Pt. 7 – Roscoe

Pt. 8 – Young Bride

Pt. 9 It Covers a Hillside

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Why would classic rock stations in 2046, start playing music from 2006? Since most current classic rock stations play music from the 60’s and 70s that’s about 40 years in the past. Well, 40 years in the future is 2046. I’ve decided to pick out some of the most timeless tunes from 2006 that most deserve to be heard by myself when I’ve just reached the age of 60:

5. Rise Up With Fists by Jenny Lewis and the Watson Twins

My grandchildren will look back at this song and think, “Wow pops, your generation sure knew how to fight the man” and I will answer back,  “Yes grandchild, this protest song got me ready to protest the Iraq war” and my grandchild will respond, “But granddad, your protests must not have helped because President Jenna Bush just said we won’t be out of Iraq until next year.”…. Although not as direct of a  protest, like Neil Young’s track, “Let’s Impeach the President”, Rise Up With Fists does a great job of taking shots at society in general.

4. Aftermath USA by the Drive-By Truckers

When everyone in states outside of Alabama get tired of listening to Sweet Home Alabama by Lynyrd Skynyrd they’ll need a new southern rock band to tailgate, hunt, and drink to. The Drive-By Truckers is that band. Aftermath USA is a great example of the pure southern rock that this band is capable of.

3. The Funeral by Band of Horses

As I get older I’m sure that I’ll have to make plans for a funeral eventually. And that planning process will need a soundtrack… That’s where Band of Horses comes in. This is an amazing song, with a chilling music video.

2. Chips Ahoy by The Hold Steady

As the local radio station plays this track, my grandkids will say, “Why did people like this band when their singer sounded like he smoked a lot” and I will respond with some mumbling about Bob Dylan and Rod Stewart or something, all while confusing the little guys just that much more. While the Hold Steady are not Bob Dylan or Rod Stewart or something, they definitely have the gruff portion of the music down. Often referred to as “The Best Bar Band In America”, I could imagine sitting at a bar listening to these guys because almost all of the songs refer to drinking or other substance use.

1. Roscoe by Midlake

The entire Midlake album, The Trials of Van Occupanther, already does classic rock better than a lot of classic rockers. Even though the music video is a little lacking, the song isn’t. A video really dosen’t do the song justice, as you really need a CD to experience the amazing riffs from Midlake’s bassist, Paul Alexander. Roscoe is the strongest track on the CD, but that doesn’t necessarily mean the rest of the album is that much weaker. I wouldn’t be surprised if my ancestors find most every track from The Trials of Van Occupanther on classic rock radio occasionally.

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I Kind of Look Like…

MyHeritage.com has an awesome Celebrity Look-Alike Finder. The site makes it easy to upload pictures and sort through celebrities you look like. I got John Cusack seemingly no matter what photo of myself I uploaded… except for the time I got Julianne Moore three times in a row. I recommend you play around with it for yourself.

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Butt Shaking Wii

Wait till your friends see you playing the upcoming Wii game, Wario Ware,

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I. There are approximately 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the
world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu,
Jewish, Jehovah’s Witnesses, or Buddist religions, this reduces the
workload on Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million
(according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census)
rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes,
presuming that there is at least one good child in each.

II. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with,
thanks to the different time zones and rotation of the earth, assuming
he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7
visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household
with at least one good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to
park the sleigh, jump out, go down the chimney, fill the stockings,
distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks
have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump in the sleigh,
and move on to the next house. (That’s why it’s really pointless to
stay up and wait for him….)

Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly
distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false,
but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now
talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million
miles, not counting bathroom breaks. This means that Santa’s sleigh is
moving at 650 miles per second, 3000 times the speed of sound. For the
purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space
probe, moves at a pokey 75.4 miles per second, and a conventional
reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

III. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting
element. Assuming that each child has nothing more than a medium-sized
Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons,
not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull
nothing more than 300 pounds. Even granted that “flying” reindeer could
pull ten times the normal amount, the job can’t be done with eight or
nine of them; Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the
payload, not counting the sleigh itself, another 54,000 tons, or
roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizibeth (the ship, not
the monarch).

IV. 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second
creates enormous air resistance; this would heat up the reindeer in the
same fasion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The
lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy
per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost
instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and causing
deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be
vaporized within 4.2 thousandths of a second, or right about the time
Santa reaches the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters,
however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to
650 miles per second in .001
seconds, would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 G’s. A 250
pound Santa (which seem ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back
of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pound of force, instantly crushing his bones
and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.

V. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he’s dead now.

Note: I did not write this, I merely found it in a forum and posted it here for reference

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The Daily Show puts Time Magazine in its place,

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